Once upon a time there was a little boy named Jake will and he was 11 years old and his mothers name was stacey and they lived in a cabin in the forest and no one knew where they lived.
One day Jake was wandering around the forest and he didn’t know where he was at that time and
he was shouting and he thought that someone could hear him but no one heard him
because no one knew that he was there. His mother Stacey was looking for him
she looked everywhere but she did not find him so she started to cry then she went back to their cabin
thinking that he would be there but he wasn’t there. Jake was trying to find his way back but he just kept
on getting lost because he forgot how he got there. “How did I get here”? “JAKE WHERE ARE YOU”?“MUM”Stacey heard a scream and she thought it was Jake but while she was following where the scream came from. She saw three wolves surrounding her son so what she did was she grabbed a stick and she started hitting the wolves but the wolves had already eaten her son up BUT it wasn't her son it was a scarecrow her son was actually behind the tree. Jake saw his mum and he ran to her but she was bitten by the wolves but luckily her son was holding onto bandages so he rapped the bandage around his mum’s arm. Stacey went with her son back to the cabin and they moved to get a house where other people know where they live so when something else happens like that other people can help her look for her son.
Hi Hope! My name is Mia from Yaldhurst Model School.
ReplyDeleteGreat work! Your story was interesting and I liked the theme that you have decided to write about, it was also very sudden and hooking.
I remember that I wrote a scary story about a boy walking his dog through a graveyard into a small shop he went in, but never came out.
To improve, I think that you could add some more descriptive language in your story and add in some commas and full stops were it needs it. Also some more powerful words and to just read the story aloud to yourself and check some errors.
How long did you have to write the story?
Awesome!
Mia
Hey Hope My name is Shay and im year seven from yms
ReplyDeleteGreat work your story was very interesting and my favorite parts was the thing you based it of and I got hooked very fast good job
Shay.
Hi Hope,
ReplyDeleteI'm Mika, a year 8 from Yalhdurst Model School.
Intreging story. I'm fond of the topic of the story. Also like how you used capital letters to make the word sound LOUD.
To improve, discriptive language would really push the story forawrd. Showing and not telling would be a greater imrpovement. If you don't know what that means you could go on my blog and find somthing called Quest. Here's an example of how powerful discription could be: One day, a young boy named Jack wandered around the gloomy forest. A mist hung above the ground as brown sharp bony hands creaked from above.
What challanged you while making this? I hope to see your reply. Bye!
By Mika
Link to blog:https://ymsmika.blogspot.com/
Hi Mika Thank you for the positive comment. I really admire the way you gave me some feedback and I thank you for telling me what I could do next time because that will help me think more.
DeleteThe thing that challenged me was when I had to think of what story to write about and how to start the story.
Thank you for commenting on my blog.
I will check out your blog.